i’ve been walking (again) and thought about this phrase, it’s darkest before dawn. and it struck me (again) how i have followed this pattern all my life, how i always want to back away just before i’m finished.
i do the dishes and want to back away at the last plate, i write an exam and want to back away at the final check, i design a poster and want to back away at exporting it for print, and so it goes, all my life, for everything.
i write an email and back away at hitting sent.
i create my business cards and back away at the order.
i fold clothes and back away at one last shirt.
and now that i am on the brink of my dream come true, i back away again. after all this striving, it is now that doubts set in. and it’s so dark it seems i have never seen the light before.
but i’m walking, i’m realising all of that, and i’m asking myself to endure it.
because i have not dropped out of master’s and pursued what i love to run away now. i didn’t overcome all of these insecurities and dared so many times just to hide. and i couldn’t have learnt all of these skills for nothing.
because i refuse to go right back to where i started.
because i need to believe that there is something on the other side of this effort.
because i have done it, time and time again. i have committed, i have ignored all these voices, i have worked and worked and worked, and it was always darkest before dawn, but i have done all of these things anyway, and then they were over. and i have always found myself on the other side, stronger.
and so i just have to repeat it until it sticks. this is not a wasted time. i will never regret it. something is waiting for me at the end of all this struggle, and it’s more beautiful than i could have ever imagined.
and it’s not the time to give up now.
i will not give up just before it’s done.